Every day I take my little girl to Kindergarten now that I am taking a small hiatus from business travel. Each day the teacher finds something to "enlighten me" about. Usually it has to do with how I chose to dress my child. Last week, as my husband was wrapping up his "stay-at-home Daddy" duties, she educated him on my daughter's choice of shoes because they "rutsch" or slide too much. So today I brought in Crocs. Those plastic babies aren't sliding anywhere. Success? No!
Today, she nicely formulated her sentence to something like, "I don't know if we will be able to leave the Crocs on today because they might be too cold for her feet". Mind you, the daycare is warm even by MY standards (and I'm always cold). Have you ever seen the Soup Nazi on Seinfeld? Well my husband is the Radiator Nazi. It's a knock down, drag out when it comes to who is going to control the dial on the heaters. About 18-19 degrees is how we roll at our house. But I digress...
So back to my daughter's shoes. I politely tell her teacher, my husband informed me her shoes "rutschen" and that I therefore decided for the Crocs. I figure since she is in heavy socks she should be warm enough. I got the, "ah so, ja"... something akin to the US "well, then". Then she decided the little "tennis-style" house shoes we brought for her were ok enough or the lesser of all evils, or whatever.
She is a super nice person and I know she has my little mouse's best interests in mind. Maybe I'm too sensitive but I often get the feeling she is thinking in the back of her mind what a "Rabenmutter" I am that I can't even select suitable shoes for my child...
Caw Caw,
Raven Momma
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
Tuesday, December 4, 2012
Let me just get something off my chest...
Why am I starting Confessions of a Rabenmutter? Well mainly because by some yardsticks, I am one. I subscribe to that silly belief that if you want it bad enough, you can have it ALL and that your child can and will thrive because of / despite it.
We get one shot at this life. We get to decide daily how to live it and each day a set of opportunities pass us by and then we are confronted with a new set of choices. That is the optimistic version. The reality for Moms, however, is that each day brings a series of questions / doubts she rightly may not share with her partner (or anyone else for that matter) simply because he isn't faced with those choices. This also applies to the primary caregiver Daddies out there who often have it worse because society hasn't fully embraced this concept yet.
Before my little mouse was born I was all about my career. I worked hard and played hard. I travelled the world and loved the "jet-setting" lifestyle. Then I had my baby and during the first six months of her life, I felt like I had become invisible. She had colic and was such a needy little girl, it made me feel like I was just an extension of her. I went from being this vibrant, full of life, independent woman to someone's wife and someone's mother - but "me" had vanished. I was just trying to find the time for sterilizing bottles and coping with a lack of sleep. In those first few months, I felt like a success if I could manage to keep my baby from screaming all day from the colic.
Now that she is a toddler, life has stabilized a bit but I'm still plagued with all the self-doubt and the nagging questions that returning to work brings:
1) How will I manage being away from my little one all day?
2) Will my baby adjust well to daycare and is that the right solution for me?
3) If I outsource the care of my child, then whose child is it really? Whose values is she getting when I'm only with her a few hours a day tops?
4) How will I deal with the guilty feelings that I am having?
5) How can I rationalize my feelings / actions and should I have to?
6) If she spends all day with German speaking care providers is her English going to suffer?
7) How do I cope with missing major milestones when I am on the road? (She walked the first time when I was in Prague on business).
I'm at a cross-roads in my own life and having talked to lots of other Mommas out there, I know I'm not alone. The first minute you hold that precious little bundle of life in your arms, it changes you irrevocably. Then the questions start with - should I return to work? Ok, I returned to work but it's so hard, was it the right choice? What about working part time or staying at home full time? Can we afford to do that and will we survive on one income? Do I even want that? Will I be happy with that? Can I still have some self-interests and work on self-improvement? If I chose to be "selfish", will I damage my child? Will she adjust well? What is best for her?
Those questions aren't ever going to go away. You are always going to have the nagging thoughts in your head, the difference is how YOU answer them and only YOU can answer them because you are you and your child is your child. I think the important thing to remember is you have to design the life you want to have. You have to form and create it - and you can only do that if you get in there and work it. Live it. Own it.
You still exist (as more than an extension of your spouse and children) and you get no medals for being a martyr. You only make you miserable and depressed and then you're no good to your family. Where I come from we have this saying, "If Momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy". Listen to your heart and what it is telling you. Do what is right for you. No matter whether you decide to go back to the working world or to stay at home with your babies - you need to still exist as an independent being who has his/her own hobbies and interests.
So that is what I'm hoping to do - share my Rabenmutter stories and hopefully hear from a few of the other raven mommas (daddies) out there just trying to keep it all together. Maybe we can start giving each other a supportive shoulder to cry on and help each other out.
So if you want to know more about the "Rabenmutter" concept, Google the term "raven mother" or just take a look at this link: http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/business-12703897.
More in the coming days...
Caw Caw,
Raven Momma
We get one shot at this life. We get to decide daily how to live it and each day a set of opportunities pass us by and then we are confronted with a new set of choices. That is the optimistic version. The reality for Moms, however, is that each day brings a series of questions / doubts she rightly may not share with her partner (or anyone else for that matter) simply because he isn't faced with those choices. This also applies to the primary caregiver Daddies out there who often have it worse because society hasn't fully embraced this concept yet.
Before my little mouse was born I was all about my career. I worked hard and played hard. I travelled the world and loved the "jet-setting" lifestyle. Then I had my baby and during the first six months of her life, I felt like I had become invisible. She had colic and was such a needy little girl, it made me feel like I was just an extension of her. I went from being this vibrant, full of life, independent woman to someone's wife and someone's mother - but "me" had vanished. I was just trying to find the time for sterilizing bottles and coping with a lack of sleep. In those first few months, I felt like a success if I could manage to keep my baby from screaming all day from the colic.
Now that she is a toddler, life has stabilized a bit but I'm still plagued with all the self-doubt and the nagging questions that returning to work brings:
1) How will I manage being away from my little one all day?
2) Will my baby adjust well to daycare and is that the right solution for me?
3) If I outsource the care of my child, then whose child is it really? Whose values is she getting when I'm only with her a few hours a day tops?
4) How will I deal with the guilty feelings that I am having?
5) How can I rationalize my feelings / actions and should I have to?
6) If she spends all day with German speaking care providers is her English going to suffer?
7) How do I cope with missing major milestones when I am on the road? (She walked the first time when I was in Prague on business).
I'm at a cross-roads in my own life and having talked to lots of other Mommas out there, I know I'm not alone. The first minute you hold that precious little bundle of life in your arms, it changes you irrevocably. Then the questions start with - should I return to work? Ok, I returned to work but it's so hard, was it the right choice? What about working part time or staying at home full time? Can we afford to do that and will we survive on one income? Do I even want that? Will I be happy with that? Can I still have some self-interests and work on self-improvement? If I chose to be "selfish", will I damage my child? Will she adjust well? What is best for her?
Those questions aren't ever going to go away. You are always going to have the nagging thoughts in your head, the difference is how YOU answer them and only YOU can answer them because you are you and your child is your child. I think the important thing to remember is you have to design the life you want to have. You have to form and create it - and you can only do that if you get in there and work it. Live it. Own it.
You still exist (as more than an extension of your spouse and children) and you get no medals for being a martyr. You only make you miserable and depressed and then you're no good to your family. Where I come from we have this saying, "If Momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy". Listen to your heart and what it is telling you. Do what is right for you. No matter whether you decide to go back to the working world or to stay at home with your babies - you need to still exist as an independent being who has his/her own hobbies and interests.
So that is what I'm hoping to do - share my Rabenmutter stories and hopefully hear from a few of the other raven mommas (daddies) out there just trying to keep it all together. Maybe we can start giving each other a supportive shoulder to cry on and help each other out.
So if you want to know more about the "Rabenmutter" concept, Google the term "raven mother" or just take a look at this link: http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/business-12703897.
More in the coming days...
Caw Caw,
Raven Momma
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